Now that you know how to consensually negotiate, let’s look at what consent practice looks like during and after a scene:

Accountability:

There is no such thing as perfection when it comes to practicing consent. As humans, we are all flawed and will make mistakes. If a consent incident occurs, practice accountability for your actions. For more detail on what accountability looks like, start with the Intent and Impact module and then go to Steps of Accountability.

Check-ins:

Sometimes nonverbal cues like facial expressions can be hard to read during sceneplay - are they enjoying themselves or experiencing genuine distress? There’s also sub-space and top-space, which are essentially altered states of consciousness that can lead people to lose awareness of boundaries and if they have been crossed. Having a safe word is key to being able to stop the scene when needed, but it’s also good consent practice to check in some way even if the scene is not stopping, no matter what role you are in. Using a safe word system like Red / Yellow / Green is one way to do this — just agree during your negotiation to call ‘yellow’ at least once to see how everyone is feeling. You can also use time limits to do this. Or you can simply ask, “Is everything ok?”

Some people worry that checking in will take them out of a scene or “ruin the mood”, but we believe that it’s all about skill and lowering risk. Checking in can fit the vibe of the scene or even be sexy - you just have to get creative and practice! But even if it does take you out of the moment, any awkwardness or lack of momentum is worth reducing the risk of a consent violation in the long run.

We also recommend getting in the habit of checking in after a scene is over. Immediately after is preferred because the feelings are fresh but you can also set a time to review in a day, three days, a week, etc.

After-care:

After-care is essential after any kind of sexual or kinky activity, intense physical activity, and even in many social situations. The concept of after-care evolved out of the kink community and is just as much a part of the play as the negotiation and the scene. No matter how light a scene is, always make sure you negotiate for some kind of after-care. After-care can consist of physical, emotional, or psychological care:

• Physical: Kink is an intense activity, so it will always reduce capacity in some way. Physical after-care involves meeting at least our three main physiological needs to increase capacity after a scene: nourishment, hydration, and temperature regulation (keeping warm or cooling down as needed).
• Emotional: Sometimes kink can bring up heavy emotions - fear, anger, sadness, or grief to mention a few. Emotional after-care includes sharing those feelings and processing them in some way. You can share your feelings by talking with your scene partner, talking to someone else you trust, or journaling, and you can process your feelings further through physical touch, allowing yourself to cry, shake, or move in some way like going for a walk, punching a pillow, or whatever feels like a release of energy.
• Psychological: Many kinky activities involve stepping into a role of some kind and/or engaging in acts that you wouldn’t do in your “vanilla” life. Even though you may intellectually recognize that it was consensually negotiated play and not entirely reflective of your character, it can still have an effect on how you or others view yourself. Psychological after-care includes coming back to a regular state of mind, stepping out of the role and reconciling what has happened with your sense of self. This may look like changing back into normal clothing, putting any toys or gear anyway, stopping the use of any in-scene names, and other ways of ceremoniously marking the end of the scene. You may also want some reassurance from your scene partner that you are not a “bad” person, you are allowed to have your kinky desires and experience pleasure from them, and that those kinky desires are not all that you are.

What else have you negotiated to be a part of after-care, physically, mentally, or emotionally? Let us know in the comments.